What I did not know.....What I've come to learn.






What I did not know before I had children.

I did not realize that there was a whole big beautiful world filled with the most wondrous creations, all in my own back yard.   
I never knew that a child's tears could drive me to tears of my own.
I did not realize that I would switch places with someone  until my own infant laid helpless while paramedics worked with him. 
I never knew that my own living room could really be a magnificent castle filled with laughter and magic.
I did not realize that the words "I love you" would mean the world to me when I feel like I failed as a parent.
I never knew the capacity to forgive until my own child wrapped his arms around me and I could never imagine much that he could do for me to send him away.
I did not realize how I was seeing the world, people, even love through jaded judgmental eyes.

What I came to learn when I became a mother.

I came to learn that a blade of grass was so intriguing and could be used as anything from a sword to a magic wand!
I knew instantly that when my child hurt whether physically or emotionally my heart seems to stop and I want to make everything perfect so they never hurt again.
I came to learn that there is nothing more frightening than seeing your child struggle with his health.
I loved that my imagination is being reawakened as my sons worlds are full of mystery, magic, fun...whatever they want it to be.
I have come to learn that even when I feel like, or even when I do fail at being the parent I want to be, my boys still wrap their arms around me at the end of the day and want to love on me like the greatest person alive.

But the biggest thing that I have come to learn?  The thing that changed everything?  Was my capacity to love endlessly and unconditionally.  Before I had children, I had this notion that some people needed "changed".  They needed to fit into the mold that I thought they should be in.  How very eye opening that it took my own children to teach me that true love doesn't seek to change what one feels in their heart. 

I was taken back by thought, as I gazed at my newborns and at them now, that there is nothing they could do for me to ever stop loving them. 

Amid the cards this year, and years past, filled with crayola colors, and kisses and shouts of "Happy Mother's Day!!".... the greatest mother's day gift that I have ever received is that of my two sons and life lessons that they awakened within me. 

Though it will be years before they understand the depth of it all, most likely when they are holding children of their own....I will cherish each moment, each hug, each kiss, each lesson, each "I love you", because all of these are priceless gifts.  And more valuable than any treasure that this earth holds.

Happy Mother's Day to all mother's everywhere! 




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

She was using food stamps! Why doesn't she work? Those are MY tax dollars!

Image
I will never forget that day. I was judging!!! I watched the lady as she absently scanned 2 Lunchables, a carton of Capri-Sun, some individual applesauce pouches, a single serving of some soda product, and a pack of mixed nuts. (do you KNOW how expensive and processed those Lunchables are anyway?? Not to mention juice pouches full of sugar.) Come on, wouldn't it be easier and cheaper to make a couple of sandwiches, and have some reusable cups and portion containers to get virtually the same meal?   Her children were a little disheveled and good god I don't think she ever brushes their hair. They were also not under control but arguing back and forth. To be honest it was rather annoying and I thought why doesn't she intervene? But wonder of wonders, they were on electronics.  And of course, she was paying with food stamps.  No mistaking that debit card anywhere. They have welfare, but still have money for that apparently.   She had some kind of Vera Bradley purse herself a
Read more

6.5 years later....I still wonder about you tiny one!

Image
I will never forgot the day when I found out I was pregnant for the very first time.  It was such a rush of emotion.  Fear, happiness, contemplation, all wrapped up into one.  It wasn't the most opportune time, but let's face it when is it really?  At the heart of it all, I was ecstatic.  I was going to be a mother, and Eric a father. Several weeks later I could tell, things were not going well.  One night we found ourselves in the emergency room.  An ultrasound had been ordered.  Eric was made to leave and I was left alone in a sterile room with just the technician and myself.  She barely spoke 2 words to me.  I saw the baby and the screen was then quickly whisked around so I could see no more.  My heart sunk.  The doctor came in and said we see the baby, but no heart beat.  But don't worry.  It's still early! But I already knew in my heart.  I was nearly 8 weeks and the heart should have already been beating by 5 weeks.  A week later, I was in the ER again and it
Read more

The Anniversaries of Death

Image
It's been 436 days since Eric passed away.  One year and two months.  62 weeks and 1 day.  To be honest, I'm not sure some days how we got this far.  A part of me "knows" but a part of me does not. In those early days and weeks, two pieces of advice became a profound stepping stone on this journey. First, do not make any major decisions during the first year of losing a loved one. The second was "do the next thing".   I remember hearing the first one from the priest at my local Parish.  Trust me, I wanted to take my boys and run away.  To where?  I don't know.  I felt like I wanted to run and run and run.  I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  I wanted to be anywhere but here (then, in that present moment). The second piece of advice I heard at a grief support group.  One of the lovely people there was recounting the beginning days for herself and how she had heard that advice.  "Do the next thing".  If that next thing was to brush your teeth, the
Read more