Saturday, January 29, 2011

Not taking it personal.

There are times when I hear or read comments about how well a friend's child can read, interact, write their name... and deep in my heart I feel a spark of envy and sadness.  Not that I ever wish that child did not do those things, I do think it is wonderful.  And not that I think the parent is bragging just to make themselves look good.

I'm envious and sad at times because I know first hand, see it, live it everyday....the struggles that David has.  

I remember being in a conference and the speaker mentioned her granddaughter and how at this extremely early age she was using full sentences and "big words", and she could do this, and she could do that by such and such age.  

I remember as well, having tears stream down my face because I knew that David did not have a chance to experience such things.  I know the difficulty he faces in trying to communicate sometimes.  I feel his frustration AND become frustrated myself with that difficulty manifests itself in fits of child rage, tantrums, screaming, crying, hitting, throwing because he doesn't have the range of communication to tell me exactly what he needs.  Or he can't reconcile his thoughts, feelings, emotions and words together.  

Some days, some weeks are much worse than others for him.  Couple that with his sensory issues and there can be some night of tears for me as well.

However, I also see the flip side.  The side where he HAS traveled a long way from the path where he began.  Going from a scarce 30ish word vocabulary at almost 3 years old, to using sentences and understand basic concepts that he did not before at 4 years old is a truly miraculous achievement!  

There ARE times when he can reconcile and emotion AND language and let me know.  For example he was having some difficulty with fire drills and was terrified of the loud fire alarm.  Finally he told me "I'm scared of the fire drill."  That was a huge moment!  A moment that I am thankful for!  A moment that I feel blessed in!  Everything for him can be that way.  The first time I actually heard him sing or say a phrase, or begin asking questions...HUGE milestones!

So though I know I don't have any real "ground" to stand on in being envious, I think at the core of it I just hope, wish and pray that parents who are blessed to have a "Normally Developing" child, are thankful for that each day.  That they count it as a blessing and that they never take one moment, one word, one emotion, one new learned concept forgranted.  

As I type this David is sitting on his bed, looking through one of his favorite books as of late.  A simple book that the teacher I work with, Ellynne, gave me the idea for.  A book about dealing with a fire drill, what to do and how to cope with his fear.  He is telling me about the book, that we've read at least 100 times already!  

"Mommy this is a fire alarm."

"It's so loud, I cover my ears."

"Is that a picture of my teacher?"

All music to my ears! 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Unapologetically me!

Beginning a new journey can often mean taking a hard first step.  We realize we are going to take risks, expose our hearts, our dreams, our hopes, our fears, the things that others may find 'sad' about us or maybe even delightful.

And I begin this journey with a tough first step.  So many thoughts swirl in my mind, yet where do I begin to lay the groundwork.  I've thought about over the last couple of days as I decided to make a public blog.  Where do I begin to set the train in motion?  And then it hit me just moments ago as I talked with my youngest son.  I realize that I do things "differently" than many people around me.  We're all on a journey but we can be on separate paths.  Nothing wrong with that at all!  And there comes a time in each of our journeys that we  hold strong to what we know, what we believe, what we've learned, what we've unlearned and what we are going to learn!  We become unapologetically ourselves.  That is what makes us unique, yet binds us together has human beings.  It is what makes the world go round.

Who am I?

I am Terra Noelle Gouge.  The top three things that I "am"....
A simple follower of Christ, despiser of religion, lover of relationship.
A wife.
A mother.

I am....
a daughter, a niece, a cousin, a sister.
A bleeding heart liberal, believer in justice and fairness.  
An attachment parent at heart, though human nature makes me stumble far more often than I'd like.
An extended nursing mother, believer in nursing as God created me to do.
Hippie at heart, but seemingly stuck in the 'mainstream' trying desparetly to turn around and swim 'up stream'.
Often alone in my ideals.
And ideological person and thinker.
Typically an introvert and gather my energy from solice and prayer.
Sometimes  a mess, sometimes I'm put together.  Some days I can handle life's stresses other days I am at a loss.
a nature lover though I don't take advantage of it near enough.
Wanting to live 'off the grid' and grow/raise our own food.  A dream indeed!

I am....
me, unapologetically me.  
Outspoken, but sometimes reserved.  
Wearing my heart on a sleeve other times keeping everything in until I want to explode.  

I am, who I am.  Some like me, some do not.  Some love me, some loath me.  Such is life and the nature of it.  Over the almost 40 years on my own blue planet I am realizing and accepting that this is fine.  And I will continue this journey sometimes with happiness, sometimes not so much.  Never-the-less it is my journey!