Not taking it personal.
I'm envious and sad at times because I know first hand, see it, live it everyday....the struggles that David has.
I remember being in a conference and the speaker mentioned her granddaughter and how at this extremely early age she was using full sentences and "big words", and she could do this, and she could do that by such and such age.
I remember as well, having tears stream down my face because I knew that David did not have a chance to experience such things. I know the difficulty he faces in trying to communicate sometimes. I feel his frustration AND become frustrated myself with that difficulty manifests itself in fits of child rage, tantrums, screaming, crying, hitting, throwing because he doesn't have the range of communication to tell me exactly what he needs. Or he can't reconcile his thoughts, feelings, emotions and words together.
Some days, some weeks are much worse than others for him. Couple that with his sensory issues and there can be some night of tears for me as well.
However, I also see the flip side. The side where he HAS traveled a long way from the path where he began. Going from a scarce 30ish word vocabulary at almost 3 years old, to using sentences and understand basic concepts that he did not before at 4 years old is a truly miraculous achievement!
There ARE times when he can reconcile and emotion AND language and let me know. For example he was having some difficulty with fire drills and was terrified of the loud fire alarm. Finally he told me "I'm scared of the fire drill." That was a huge moment! A moment that I am thankful for! A moment that I feel blessed in! Everything for him can be that way. The first time I actually heard him sing or say a phrase, or begin asking questions...HUGE milestones!
So though I know I don't have any real "ground" to stand on in being envious, I think at the core of it I just hope, wish and pray that parents who are blessed to have a "Normally Developing" child, are thankful for that each day. That they count it as a blessing and that they never take one moment, one word, one emotion, one new learned concept forgranted.
As I type this David is sitting on his bed, looking through one of his favorite books as of late. A simple book that the teacher I work with, Ellynne, gave me the idea for. A book about dealing with a fire drill, what to do and how to cope with his fear. He is telling me about the book, that we've read at least 100 times already!
"Mommy this is a fire alarm."
"It's so loud, I cover my ears."
"Is that a picture of my teacher?"
All music to my ears!