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Showing posts from March, 2012

A perfect evening that equates the struggle with-in for me.

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Tonight has been amazing.  A wonderful husband, working hard for his family.  Two beautiful sons, getting along, making excellent choices, no fighting, no squabbling, peacefully playing and now sleeping.  I was able to accomplish a bit of housework and even found some time to be "lazy".  Wonderful!

And wonderfully hard at the same moment.  Tonight is a night of struggle.  Not outwardly, but inward.  I think for a brief moment I was living in the allusion that through this journey of depression and Fibromyalgia, Cymbalta would be the miracle cure.   Apparently not.  While I've had days, even weeks of feeling great, tonight has been a struggle.  Both physically and emotionally. 

That dreaded sadness.  The wonder of 'who are my friends?'  Am I really making a difference in anyone's life...all creeping back up.  I CAN say that it has been more manageable.  I only thought perhaps that those feelings would vanish and never again would I feel those emp…

Where have I gone?

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The last few years have been nothing less than a roller coaster ride.  And most of it was hidden, a secret.  Disguised behind smiles and outward picture of  "I'm fine, thank you."

It's somewhat hard for me to sit and pour this out, yet also freeing and therapeutic at the same time.  What is it?  Something that no one knew for a few years, and then only my husband for the last 4 months or so.

I have a mood disorder, depression, anxiety.  It started simple enough.  The birth of two children, life, staying home at first and then going back to work....it all happened.  It was life.  It IS life.  Stress, fun times, stress, hard times, stress fun times.  It's normal, it's life.   Just a day here and there of feeling blue.  Then those days became closer together. 

My already embedded, but not bad anxieties about various things, began to become stronger.  I never really liked, for example, other people except myself driving my children around.  As my depression worse…