I want an answer!

Call me a geek but there are times that certain movie or TV lines can resonate what I feel, think or believe on a something.  The X-Files, when it was on TV, was one of my all time favorite shows.  I remember one episode where Mulder was frustrated after his many attempts, and many dead ends.  He demanded:  "I want an answer!"  To which the reply was from some obscure character, "There are no answers for you."

I hate that!  I hate not having answers to something that I have to assign a reason too.  Especially when it involves my children.  I go over this all the time, talk about a lot, and no matter how many times I do, or how many times someone says "It's not your fault" or "It's the past anyway, no matter what", I still have to re-visit it.  I want an answer!

I had a short conversation with the principal of David's school and my place of employement.  David has been having a rough time with the fire drills and just did not want to eat lunch without me, or scarce wanted to leave my site.  Sharon was wonderful at showing compassion to myself and to David and ate lunch with him one day.  Sharon shared with me that she was amazed at the development of his language skills and felt that he will be fine and with help work through all of this.  I love that she took the time to eat lunch with him and to reassure him and make him feel safe.

The part I hate?  The part that I want answers too, is why?  Why did and why does David have to face challenges.  I am so thankful that the challenges may not be so severe as others, but never the less, they are his struggles.  And those struggles do break my heart.

I want to know exactly what I did wrong, in my pregnancy, in his early days, months and even years.  And yes, I have "theories".  There are a select few things that I could have been more educated on with David that I chose to ignore at the time.  Thankfully I learned better and did better with Aaron.  What's that Maya Angelou quote?  I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." 

The part that makes it even worse is that I knew in my gut when David was 6 months old, things had changed almost over night after a trigger.  He wasn't "on target" and something was going on.  I felt it so strongly.  And though people reassured me over the next TWO years that he would do this, and he would do that in his own time, he never really did.  I knew it was time to reach out.  Of course with the languge and cognitive skills he did grow and learn, but with help.  It wasn't a "normal development".  I am thankful for that help though.  And then with his Sensory Processing Disorder, I KNEW something was amiss in him.  And it wasn't until I really began seeking, searching and asking questions that I began to understand and with a wonder OT named Geni at his school, found out about the SPD.

And lately I have that same "in the pit of my stomach, nagging, sick feeling" that something is still going on.  And with that the questions come over again.  Why?  What did I do?  What could I have done differently?  I WANT ANSWERS!   So goes another path.  On the quest to begin getting answers.  Sometimes it's hard though when you're not sure where to start!

What's the other quote?  The journey of a thousand miles begins with....one....step.   One step, one at a time, on this journey together.

I write about my children a lot.  And often it is in seriousness.  It's just a part of our lives.  But there are fantastic times too, many fantastic times.  Another blessing I am thankful for! 

I'll write about the fantastic times too, but more than one blog post a night might be a bit annoying ;) 


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