Open letter to the man who told I wasn't perfect enough to date.....
I get it.
I really do.
We all have preferences. We all need that chemistry or spark.
However there is a difference between having a preference and having a cruel outlook and saying things that do not build others up.
I realize not everyone looks at it that way or has the same outlook.
Yet treating others with just a bit of kindness should be common place.
There shouldn't be excuses made or even things said like "that's a man for you'.
Why? Because all men (thankfully) are not the same.
But why does it seem that we may receive 100 compliments, yet can't shake the sadness and hurt from just one negative energy?
Now before you say it, let me do it.
Yes, I know it's within myself to not let what others say about me, hurt or damage my soul.
Let's be real though. Hurtful words and actions/in-actions of others DO affect us. It's not that there is blame to place, however while I maybe should not dwell on the hurt, the other person needs to understand ownership of the power of the words they use.
I grew up hearing I was beautiful, from my mother and close family.
However, moreover I grew up hearing how I had a beautiful face, "if only I would lose weight or be thin."
I distinctly remember one time when a former pastor told me, "You are so beautiful. Just lose weight and you'll have a husband in no time."
I was about 21 and fresh into the adult world. My spirit was crushed [again].
I had a pastor's wife tell me (at a University I attended) "You have the most beautiful face. Get thin and you'll have all the guys after you." My spirit was crushed [again].
Every time I heard something like that as an adult, I was transported back to my childhood and more vivid memories of those that told me the same thing. Every time, my spirit was crushed.
As an adult all I knew was that someone loving me depended solely on how I looked on the outside.
Again I get it. I get "preferences". However I don't get or understand how being loved has to have conditions.
And I was a condition.|
To be completely honest, to this day I still feel like I will never have a man truly love me until I'm some vision of what he and/or society says I should be.
You can tell me that is not true. You can tell me I'm beautiful no matter what. But MY reality is, no I am not.
Sadly society seems to set our standards and truth be told I'll probably never be truly loved.
And I admit, a part of me did settle because I thought of course, and still think I'd never get married or have a family. I loved him, but not loved him. If that makes sense.
Truth be old again, I've never "gotten" the rare 2 people I've truly loved and truly love and I'm sure it will never happen.
Well fast forward to now. The new dating world is proving interesting to say the least. However everything came crashing down again when I started talking to one man. We had a lot in common, seemed to click, and he even wanted to go on an official date.
Apparently after a couple days he reconsidered and promptly told me he was fine dating a woman who was a size 6 or a size 12. But that I was too much like an "Adele" (the singer) or an Oprah. Not curvy but fat, or rather obese. Fat was too kind I guess.
I really didn't know what to say except no problem, you have a preference.
My spirit was crushed (again).
I kept thinking "but you don't really know me."
You don't know my heart.
You don't know my capacity to love unconditionally.
You don't know what I've been through.
You didn't see me before, even heavier. (Just check out the before picture)
You don't know how far I've come. (Check out the in progress picture)
You don't know all the life changes I made almost a year ago to be more healthy.
You have no idea where I'm going!
Yes it's a journey.
Yes I realize I'm not society's definition of beautiful or slim.
Yes I realize I have a long way to go.
Yes I realize I shouldn't even care what a man thinks.
But I do want to be happy again.
I do want to love again and take care of someone again.
For me, I don't like being alone.
I just wish I didn't have to be perfect.
But you closed yourself off to everything and didn't care what hurt you left behind all based on one meeting.
Not that I expect or need you take responsibility for my life. After all you were just a random man I met in passing. Outwardly I thought you were handsome and up until you told me I wasn't good enough, I thought you had an amazing outlook on life.
If only you realized how damaging your words are and can be to woman.
Have your preference but learn to encourage rather than tear down.
We as humans have that amazing ability.
We can either chip away at someone not realizing or caring.
Or we can choose to be the stepping stones that lifts someone higher or takes them further in their journey.
There are days I want to he perfect because I want to be loved.
Though I realize love is born of the heart.
Yet it's hard to shake years of being told I have to be this one certain way.
I feel like it's just one more thing on my plate.
One more area I've failed and continue to fail.
I so wish there was some happy ending here.
But there's not.
There's just me.
Lost, unsure how worthy I am.
Wondering why I can't be perfect.
Wondering what I could have said to help you see who I really am.
Wondering my place.
I do hope one day you find that perfection you are looking for.
I also hope you gain a little insight on how to be a kinder human being.
It's so much easier to build someone up the first time, than for them to spend
years trying to recover from being torn down...again and again and again.