Monday, May 9, 2016
I am sorry for not being what you wanted.
Yes, you've read that right.
I'm sorry. I am giving you my apologies. Even though it troubles me and leaves an impression on my heart, I still give them to you.
Who? Who is 'you'?
'You' are those people who, over the months and years have decided to distance themselves from me. To no longer talk with me. To be content to just hear or read [you have to love the age of social media], what's going on in my life, yet stay at arms length.
Yes, I've noticed. I've noticed it as I've grown in my own life, in my own views, in my faith in the Christ I follow.
Though there is a spiritual aspect to this, at the same time it is so much more. It is the conflict of being who I am, even if it means losing friendships over it.
I used to be someone else. Someone who thought differently, who perhaps acted different. Who was certain the world was black and white and everything had an answer.
There are times I wish I could go back to that, only because of assurance I had in myself that I was doing everything "right" and I had reason to justify it.
You liked me then. You thought I was "saved". You thought my heart was in the right place. I am sorry that now you don't think those things.
Yes, I have noticed.
I've 'heard'. I've seen the looks, felt the divide widening. Even in this age of social media, a deafening silence speaks volumes. Please, don't think that I have not noticed. While I may be many things, I like to think that I'm fairly smart.
Truly, I am sorry.
I am sorry that I'm not that role model you thought I was or once was.
I am sorry that I can't honor your God the way you believe to be right.
I am sorry that you think I've strayed.
I am sorry you think I no longer have a spot in Heaven.
I am sorry I've disappointed you.
I am sorry I can not be who you need or want me to be.
I am sorry that I can't be who you 'believe' God needs or wants me to be.
I AM sorry.
I get it. I do. You are moving and acting based on your convictions. For that I can not fault you. I do the same thing.
I will however, never judge your heart, your salvation, or your place with God in heaven. As a matter of fact, if you've distanced yourself from me because OF my faith, I still will never judge you on that.
That's the difference you see.
While I am sorry I am not who you thought or want me to be.
I am NOT sorry for being me. For being who, based on my convictions of the God I follow, wants me to be.
I am not sorry for growing as a person.
I am not sorry that through the pain of life and loss, I learned that some things have no answers.
I am not sorry that through my becoming a parent, I saw the world was not black and white, but that my unconditional love for my earthly children is probably only a glimmer of the unconditional love that the Creator has for ALL of us.
I am not sorry that through loving my children and through friendships that I came to realize sometimes a family doesn't have to be or look like what ancient writings from humans said it should.
I am not sorry that despite who you love and marry, God STILL loves you and you are and will be a part of greater love after this life passes.
I am not sorry that I believe the Loving Father I read about in the scriptures I follow [even if I think they can be fallible, not the message but word for word] would not punish his children, his creation by a separation from Him FOREVER. I could never do that to my own children. From that, I have been taught a lesson over and over again, that His love is even greater then.
I am not sorry that I don't think the personal faith I follow is the only "truth". Again, I am so under qualified to ever dole out that judgement.
I am not sorry that I chose to stand up for those who are often made fun of, mocked, cast aside, told they are going to hell. I am not sorry for loving the 'least of these'.
I am not sorry because I AM the least of these.
I often stink as a human being. I am often ugly and hateful.
I am often unaware, apathetic, and harsh.
I am always human!
Like the rock formation in the picture above, I feel worn down.
I feel like I don't really belong anywhere because of how I feel, what I believe, and who/what I stand up for.
I feel like that rock formation, both a deeper formation and a projection of that formation.
I am out of place because I am one thing [a believer in Christ], yet another [accepting of all].
Friends honestly are few and far between for me. Often my thoughts are misunderstood or I have no words to truly convey what it is I think, or feel, or believe.
I am sorry. I do wish you could still talk with me. I wish you could still look up to me. But I understand.
I know you have your convictions and are firm in them.
While now in this season we may not be friends, I know in the grand scheme of this temporal life and the bigger picture in this infinite universe our paths will cross again, and in love.
So while I can not be what you want or need, do know that I still love you. I still think you are a part of this greater plan, even if you do not think I am.
I wish you well, for that I won't apologize either ;)
Nor will I apologize for being me. I am loved just the way I am.