Trapped in this thing called life.

 There are times I have felt so content with life: wanting to stay planted. Wanting to grow roots, staying firmly in place.

And then there are these times. That feeling of being trapped in life. That feeling of nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and not doing or being enough.

I feel like this world has closed in on me the older have become. 10 years ago at age 40, I felt like there was still a shimmer of hope. I felt like I could pull things off and do what needed to be done.

Now at 50 years old, I look back and feel like the span of my life has been but a vapor in the wind. I look back and see where I failed greatly. I look back and think why didn't I do better. Why didn't I do more.

 I fear the Future. I'm sad that I can't give my sons the life that I had so wanted to when I set out on this motherhood journey.

I've grown weary with the path in front of me so crooked and long.  Each day it seems happiness eludes me more and more. The call of contentment. The dreamy Bliss of daily life is nothing more than the ghosts of life's past.

Life has become all too consuming and I send out prayers of light to the Universe that I can in some way provide what my sons need.

I can only hope that they will forgive me for the things that I could not and did not do. Yet, despite being trapped down this haunting path, one joy that remains in life: watching my sons grow into the wonderful men that I know they are meant to be.

And one day...one day I know they will be so much more than I ever was.


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