A Bewitchingly Ordinary Life!

This is how I remember you.  I am sure it is how I'll always remember you.  When I'm old, when I can not remember much else, when the world seems bleak or when the end of my life nears, I know I still remember "those" days. You were so young, fresh to the world. A million dreams before you.   (video montage) Those days, they flew by.  Faster than I ever dreamed possible.  And now, the days continue to fleet by.  I try to slow down, slow time down yet it only seems to disappear faster. You both have grown so much.  Young boys to young men.  11 and 13.  So close to 12 and 14. I seem so lost. In "those" days, those young days, I felt like I knew what I was doing.  Time proved me wrong.  Some days we sailed through with laughter, other days the three of us ended it in tears. Not much has changed in that respect. Except I realize I have no idea what I was doing then, nor do I have any idea now. I try though. I fail a lot, yet...

I stood at the sink absent-mindedly doing dishes.   A million thoughts running through my head of upcoming doctor visits, blood draws, back to school shopping, grocery lists.  I'm on auto-pilot as David comes into the kitchen. DAVID: "Mom, have you seen my marble that was on the breakfast bar?" ME: "Yes I put it in the basket when I was cleaning." DAVID: "There it is.  I painted a face on it mom." ME: "Yeah I saw that!  It was cute." DAVID: "I did it because I don't have any friends, so I made one." Then he hurried off back to his room and I began hearing the clank of marbles. I stopped doing dishes and absorbed what he just head.  My heart broke again for him, my eyes filled with tears and all the issues associated with Autism came flooding back, as it does almost daily. A feeling of loneliness and friendlessness is common among ASD children.  David is no different.  His social awkwardness drives many away.  He doesn...

I'm talking about my youngest, Aaron Preston.  He'll be 8 in a little over a month and he is so excited. He talks everyday about his birthday, about how he wants a Lorax theme, about the legos he wants, the friends he wants to invite. He's my happy go lucky kid.  My boy with a sense of humor.  He's the one that will go outside early in the morning and come dragging in at dusk, covered with dirt, telling about his fun day out playing. He's my sensitive soul, my very giving child, perceptive, loving, feisty, spirited, and full of hugs. He's always slipping me cards and notes, little gifts he makes out of random beads he finds.  He's almost always so understanding of David and my often preoccupation with him and all the issues. With that, I confess that I'm pretty sure I've failed him as a parent.  I feel like I don't spend as much time with him as I should.  I feel like at times I'm harder on him.  I tend to not realize what he may be feeling ...

The knocks come on the door. "Can Aaron come out and play?" Often, and with joy! But the knocks rarely come for David.  I take that back, occasionally they do come.  Usually preceded first by seeing if Aaron can play.  If he can't, or he's busy, they sometimes ask for David.  Sometimes.  But he's rarely a first thought. And this shatters my heart in a million pieces. I want to say I get it.  I want to say I somewhat understand.  But another part of me wants to say it shouldn't be that way.  He's just a child, and he wants to play and be included as well. That can be the heartbreaking part of children with special needs.  David is quarky, he's loud, he doesn't understand personal space, he has a hearty laugh, he may laugh at inappropriate times, he may add to the conversation, but not in the way one would expect.  He'll believe you if you joke with him and say you're taking over the world.  He's deathly afraid of bugs so he'll get ...

[ David, Dec. 2009, 3 years old ] Lately [and by lately I mean months, and months, and months, and...well you get the picture], David has been singing Opera.  His whole life is in Opera style right now.  If he needs to brush his teeth. It's act one of the morning Opera! Take a bath? Closing act..."BAAATTHH TIMMMEEE!!!!"  Do homework?  Okay maybe he doesn't sing then, he just grumbles like an old man. And as much as it can get on my ever loving nerves, a part of me is so thankful that he does it!  Even at 6am! Christmas Season 2009.  This year will forever stand out to me.  Now I adore Christmas.  It's my favorite holiday, so every year is stands out.  However this one?  This one is when everything changed.  David sang for the first time!  Now I know what you are thinking.  Okay, kids sing, so what made this one special?  It was special because honestly, I never thought he'd sing.  I never even thought he's...

I've stepped inside a time machine and headed back.  Back in time to the 'overly' romanticized era of stay at home housewives and mothers.  To a time where Donna Reed was busy baking something up, June Cleaver was running the vacuum, and Samantha Stevens was twitching her nose.  I have to admit, there is a part of me that has always been drawn to that era, to being able to stay home, nurture my family, care for hearth and home, wear aprons, put on make up, greet my husband with a kiss and a cocktail! In the beginning, when we had our first child, I did stay home.  And along came our second child just 19 months later.  I stayed home for about 3.5 years then.  Yet that time was such a blur.  Those days were the infancy of discovering that our oldest, David, had special needs.  With the day to day grind of being at a loss, of being in tears many days, of barely getting my teeth brushed, I missed out. I missed out on just enjoying the moment, of look...

You are not alone. That is the first thing I want you to know.  It is not meant in the cliche "I understand what you're going through" thought.  Rather it truly is myself telling you, you are not alone through this journey.  I know it may feel like it now, in the beginning.    But I am here.  I'm more than your child's teacher.  For the 8 hours a day that they are in my care, I want you to know that I protect them, I love them, I guide & direct them, I laugh with them, I even want to shed tears with them when they face difficulties. I am here, with them, and you [in spirit], as they accomplish a milestone [not matter how large or small].  Myself, my assistants, the therapists in my class, we all smile, clap, cheer when your child makes a leap in their growth, grasping a new concept, skill, or thought! I saw the uncertainty the first time you met me, came into my room, brought your child.  Full of questions, wondering if maybe this w...

There are things that my children have faced that have made me sad.  Then, there are things that pierce straight through my heart.  I don't think I will ever forget the evening that David walked out of his room wearing a paper bag [pictured below], and said "Look mom!" He pointed to the bag and said the words that he had written.  "No fun for me."  Then he took off the bag and read the other part.  "Need a normal life mom." I asked what he meant. Immediately tears began to run down his face, and he said.  "I'm tired of people making fun of me at school.  Telling me I'm weird and gross."  And then he broke down and really cried. And I cried too.  It was incredibly hard to hold back tears, so I didn't.  I hated, HATED that my child had to, and has to face this.  I hate that because of his special needs, he has to face the cruelty of being made fun of, and the ignorance of those who don't educated their children, or care to ed...

Okay, so it can be baby steps and I really do rejoice when I've had a good day! I give such ma jor props and kudos to my husband because he can actually be the calm one, telling me to pick my battles, to stay calm, to follow through. O f course I admit that there are times I'm exhausted, I have so much to do , that it's easier to just not follow through, or give in. And I admit, that I tend to be an over-reacti ng or short tempered person. Lately I've been watching some old Nanny 911/ Supernanny episodes. Much of it can be common sense, but sometimes it clicks or reminds you /me that it's still a journey and to keep going. Today, I em ployed some characteristics and st rategies that I've learned, that I've had, that I know.. Staying calm not raising my voice follow through And it was a much more peaceful day.  Was there still some negative behavior?  Of cours e!  Was it escalated or aggravated because of how I acted?  No!  We had a good day of...

Do you ever ask yourself, 'Is this normal?'  'Am I normal?' , 'Does anyone or has anyone felt this way?' Well, that is where I'm at t onight.  Lately I've really had no patience, short tempered, having a tough time de-stressing, blocking out noise, and finding some inner peace.  What happened to th at wanna -be gentle mom?  I'm pretty sure she is lost at sea.  I feel like I'm drowning, working outside of the home, then trying to stay on top of things in the home, getting my CDA to teach preschool...sometimes, I feel like the walls are closing in. I snap at my children much to easily lately, and f rankly, I hate it, and hate myself for it.  And it cuts me to the bone when they know it, notice it, and say "Mom, you can't be mean, you can't yell."  I think I'm in need of an overhaul, a retreat away to regroup, parenting classes, classes to gain back patience and stop letting the little thi ngs aggravate me. Certainly I ...

I find myself on a rol ler coaster many times.  There are times when it's downhill, in a great way.  The days are tackled, everything under control.  A feeling of "I CAN do this." And then there are the uphill climbs.  Chugging along, jerking upward, a feeling that the crest of hill will never come.  That is this weekend . Only in the last couple of months have I really rea lized and accepted that David has special needs more than what I ever imagined in the beginning, and they will never "go away" or "be cured".   I have learned so much about approaches to guide him in life.  I have watched him grow and flourish and seen his brain expand like a sponge with knowledge that reaches far beyond his years.  I have seen him go from barely saying 30 words to talking on a n almost adult level. I've also seen him struggle more and more as he grows .  4 years ago I knew something was up.  And when I lea rned h e had a speech/developmental ...