A Bewitchingly Ordinary Life!

The knocks come on the door. "Can Aaron come out and play?" Often, and with joy! But the knocks rarely come for David.  I take that back, occasionally they do come.  Usually preceded first by seeing if Aaron can play.  If he can't, or he's busy, they sometimes ask for David.  Sometimes.  But he's rarely a first thought. And this shatters my heart in a million pieces. I want to say I get it.  I want to say I somewhat understand.  But another part of me wants to say it shouldn't be that way.  He's just a child, and he wants to play and be included as well. That can be the heartbreaking part of children with special needs.  David is quarky, he's loud, he doesn't understand personal space, he has a hearty laugh, he may laugh at inappropriate times, he may add to the conversation, but not in the way one would expect.  He'll believe you if you joke with him and say you're taking over the world.  He's deathly afraid of bugs so he'll get ...

[ David, Dec. 2009, 3 years old ] Lately [and by lately I mean months, and months, and months, and...well you get the picture], David has been singing Opera.  His whole life is in Opera style right now.  If he needs to brush his teeth. It's act one of the morning Opera! Take a bath? Closing act..."BAAATTHH TIMMMEEE!!!!"  Do homework?  Okay maybe he doesn't sing then, he just grumbles like an old man. And as much as it can get on my ever loving nerves, a part of me is so thankful that he does it!  Even at 6am! Christmas Season 2009.  This year will forever stand out to me.  Now I adore Christmas.  It's my favorite holiday, so every year is stands out.  However this one?  This one is when everything changed.  David sang for the first time!  Now I know what you are thinking.  Okay, kids sing, so what made this one special?  It was special because honestly, I never thought he'd sing.  I never even thought he's...

I've stepped inside a time machine and headed back.  Back in time to the 'overly' romanticized era of stay at home housewives and mothers.  To a time where Donna Reed was busy baking something up, June Cleaver was running the vacuum, and Samantha Stevens was twitching her nose.  I have to admit, there is a part of me that has always been drawn to that era, to being able to stay home, nurture my family, care for hearth and home, wear aprons, put on make up, greet my husband with a kiss and a cocktail! In the beginning, when we had our first child, I did stay home.  And along came our second child just 19 months later.  I stayed home for about 3.5 years then.  Yet that time was such a blur.  Those days were the infancy of discovering that our oldest, David, had special needs.  With the day to day grind of being at a loss, of being in tears many days, of barely getting my teeth brushed, I missed out. I missed out on just enjoying the moment, of look...

Lately, I have been looking at life with stark reality glasses.  Some days are like a beautiful painting.  Many details, brilliant colors, picturesque moments.  I treasure those, wishing I could capture that memory on a canvas to remind myself.  Remind myself of happy moments when the bleak moments come.  And there in is the stark reality viewing.  Not just one thing, but a multitude of thoughts, actions, moments, situations where I have neither the answers nor the strength. I am finding that parenting is becoming increasingly difficult, heartbreaking, and frustrating.  I have slowly begun to understand [since the births of our sons], how deep and unconditional this love is.  How there are not words, no paintings, nothing on this earth to describe what it is like to love your own child(ren).  Until you experience it. Stark reality.  When you're pregnant no one really tells you how much parenting can really drain everything you hav...

Okay, so it can be baby steps and I really do rejoice when I've had a good day! I give such ma jor props and kudos to my husband because he can actually be the calm one, telling me to pick my battles, to stay calm, to follow through. O f course I admit that there are times I'm exhausted, I have so much to do , that it's easier to just not follow through, or give in. And I admit, that I tend to be an over-reacti ng or short tempered person. Lately I've been watching some old Nanny 911/ Supernanny episodes. Much of it can be common sense, but sometimes it clicks or reminds you /me that it's still a journey and to keep going. Today, I em ployed some characteristics and st rategies that I've learned, that I've had, that I know.. Staying calm not raising my voice follow through And it was a much more peaceful day.  Was there still some negative behavior?  Of cours e!  Was it escalated or aggravated because of how I acted?  No!  We had a good day of...

Do you ever ask yourself, 'Is this normal?'  'Am I normal?' , 'Does anyone or has anyone felt this way?' Well, that is where I'm at t onight.  Lately I've really had no patience, short tempered, having a tough time de-stressing, blocking out noise, and finding some inner peace.  What happened to th at wanna -be gentle mom?  I'm pretty sure she is lost at sea.  I feel like I'm drowning, working outside of the home, then trying to stay on top of things in the home, getting my CDA to teach preschool...sometimes, I feel like the walls are closing in. I snap at my children much to easily lately, and f rankly, I hate it, and hate myself for it.  And it cuts me to the bone when they know it, notice it, and say "Mom, you can't be mean, you can't yell."  I think I'm in need of an overhaul, a retreat away to regroup, parenting classes, classes to gain back patience and stop letting the little thi ngs aggravate me. Certainly I ...

Yesterday I was reflecting on my own parenting journey and how that journey ebbs and flows with the different paths we take, we choose, we refuse, we reluctantly take, and paths that surprise us.  I began thinking that after making a final choice to step away from all parenting boards and parenting 'cliques' .  With my own paren ting journey and the struggles it has brought with a child facing special needs and another child who is extremely stubbo rn, I felt it was best for my own sanity.  I need support, all mothers need support.  At the end of the day if we can't get past a style or parenting choice and choose to tear down each other , then we have accomplished nothing.  Yet if we can ex tend a hand , offer a hug or encouraging word when another mother is struggling, then we could very well change the world ! Today has been one of the challenging days with David, then adding Aaron who is a typical 4 year old...well it makes f or a less than thrilling d...

As a parent, have you ever had those moments where you look at your child, or an item of your child's , and had an epiphany ...that familiar one that seems to come again and again...."Wow, I am someone's mom! " It's almost eeriely haunting to me every time it hap pens.  As if I didn't truly realize it until that moment.  I know I'm mom, but sometimes I truly "know" it.  How odd it seems to type that because honestly there are no mortal words to desc ribe what I'm trying to convey.   But most parents understand it I'm sure . Today was one of those days.  As I was pulling out David's drawing projects from his backpack I came across the one in this blog post.  I stared at it a moment as if I had never seen a child's drawing in my whole life.  Almost deciphering what was depicted.  Not because I didn't recognize it, because I did!  Easily it was a parent, child, and a Christmas tree.  I was deciphering because I kept asking...

This past week has been sad, tough, tear producing, and failure.  Eric's grandmother, on his mother's side, passed from this life.  She was a beautiful lady who from day 1, like Eric's mom loved and accepted me.  That was sad.  Eric flew to Ohio to be with family from Sunday to Wedn esday.  I understand that this week has been a set of variables that have made up my week .  And I realize that some things were in my control and some where not.  It seemed from the moment Eric left the boys become off kilter.  David had more meltdowns than he has had in a long time.  A lot of ste mming, a lot of noises, not connecting action A with ac tion or consequence B.  Aaron was Aaron, all of 4 spunky years old.  Lots of "NO!"  Lots of tantrums, lots of stubbornness.  There was virtually no break in behavior. IN short, this week was about more than I could handle.  There were tears in my own eyes a few times.  I love my child...