A Bewitchingly Ordinary Life!

 May 20th was 9 months.   Nine months that you've been gone.  It seems like a lifetime ago on some days.  On other days, it seems as if it was only yesterday. The passage of time brings distance between the tragedy and daily living. It does not bring comfort or healing.  Time doesn't heal all wounds.  I hate that cliche.   It doesn't make it easier to deal with.  Time doesn't do anything really, except march on. Ultimately, as time moves on, we feel left behind. Time doesn't help at all.  I think we've learned to compartmentalize.   This is work.  This is a compartment.  I have X.Y,Z to acccomplish.  I put a smile on.  I pep myself up.  I go on. This is school.  The boys have a subject to do.  They do X,Y,Z.  They put a smile on their face.  They pep themselves up. This is dinner time. This is TV time. This is grocery shopping time. This is laundry time. This is housecleaning ti...

  9/26/21 Several nights ago I had this dream, more like a nightmare.  I was driving with my sons on this narrow road along a mountain.  It was a brown desolate mountain, no green, no beauty.  On one side of the road was the side of the mountain, rising high into the air.  On the other side were raging waters, right against the edge of the road.  Angry, chopping, wave filled waters for miles and miles.  The road was so narrow and winding.  I was terrified of driving off into the waters.   I kept thinking “I just want my sons to be safe.  I just want my sons to be safe.”  Suddenly, I had driven into this huge pot hole in the road.  It looked to be about 2 feet deep.  I began to panic as I tried and tried to rev the car and get out.  Over the edge of the mountain I heard the roaring of something.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it terrified me.  I kept trying to get the car unstuck, all while prayi...

  On Death 9/21/20 Friday, it was a Friday. August 20th, 2021.  I will never forget that night for as long as I live on this earth.  Everything, so crystal clear yet so foggy.  Like a raging river that night came rushing at me.  I was powerless to stop it, though I tried so hard.  That uneasy feeling came over me when Eric didn’t answer the door.  Aaron was supposed to stay the weekend with him.  I stopped by once, no answer.  Figuring he was out with a friend for a moment or napping, we went on to an appointment for David.   Stopping by again, an unsettling feeling came over me as Aaron knocked again, but no answer. I pushed it to the back of my mind as we drove off.  He just forgot.  He was out with a friend.  I was annoyed, how could he forget about Aaron coming over?  I felt bad for Aaron who wanted to visit his dad.  Still, I pushed it out of my mind.   Exhausted after a long week of teaching...

I so understand the sentiment.  I get it. I appreciate the support, love, and concern. I also know it is not true. I am not strong. I am not great. I am not always doing well. I'm not always happy. I hide. I hide behind a smile. I hide behind "lies" of I'm doing wonderful. I hide behind the light of day. I hide behind "happy" pictures posted on social media. I hide behind "fun" times. You don't see all the time I'm alone. You don't see me embracing the darkness and crying myself to sleep so many nights. You don't see me on my knees crying and cursing and pleading and making deals & bargains with the God I believe in. You don't see the loneliness in my heart. You don't see the endless nights. You don't see me looking into a future that looks bleak. Though I know encouragement is just that and can be wonderful. I also know in the midst of pain it is cliched and trite. Many of you don't kno...