A Bewitchingly Ordinary Life!

The Divorce Chronicles  Healing Takes Time: 5 things NOT to say Yes I know.  Don't say it.   "Terra, you share too much." Well, yes.  Yes I do.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  For so long I have always done what others told me.  I stuffed things down.  I lived my life for others.  I'm 47 years old (almost 48).  I will no longer live for others.  At least in the sense of trying to please everyone.  I don't have to hid.  I don't have to feel ashamed.  AND, I don't have to agree. I'm getting ahead of myself a bit. I'll never forget the day I knew my marriage was over.  May 7, 2017.   1 year, 7 months, 10 days, 11 hours, 18 minutes, 30 seconds ago to be precise (at the time I wrote this).   The year before that our marriage almost ended.  There was 'forgiveness' and we moved beyond. 9 months went by.  I thought everything was perfect.  Better than ever. Tha...

I so understand the sentiment.  I get it. I appreciate the support, love, and concern. I also know it is not true. I am not strong. I am not great. I am not always doing well. I'm not always happy. I hide. I hide behind a smile. I hide behind "lies" of I'm doing wonderful. I hide behind the light of day. I hide behind "happy" pictures posted on social media. I hide behind "fun" times. You don't see all the time I'm alone. You don't see me embracing the darkness and crying myself to sleep so many nights. You don't see me on my knees crying and cursing and pleading and making deals & bargains with the God I believe in. You don't see the loneliness in my heart. You don't see the endless nights. You don't see me looking into a future that looks bleak. Though I know encouragement is just that and can be wonderful. I also know in the midst of pain it is cliched and trite. Many of you don't kno...

I would have never even given a second thought that I'd still be battling depression 5 years after originally being diagnosed. I started treatment and felt great for a couple of years. Now, I *thought* I was doing well the 3 years after that.  I didn't recognize the slip again.  The slip into depression's waves and tides, the grasp it takes and slowly pulls you down, is often subtle and unnoticed until someone or something makes you take notice. This has got to be one of the hardest posts I have ever done, one of the most heartbreaking for me. There was no one moment, one day, one week where suddenly I was swimming in the depths trying to reach the top.  It was a slow dissent.  A thought here, a misread conversation there, an over analyzed look from someone, small situations, all that began eating away at simple sanity again. I wanted to believe that the first time around, the medication treatment, and the attention to it that my mind was brought to, w...

Lately, I have been looking at life with stark reality glasses.  Some days are like a beautiful painting.  Many details, brilliant colors, picturesque moments.  I treasure those, wishing I could capture that memory on a canvas to remind myself.  Remind myself of happy moments when the bleak moments come.  And there in is the stark reality viewing.  Not just one thing, but a multitude of thoughts, actions, moments, situations where I have neither the answers nor the strength. I am finding that parenting is becoming increasingly difficult, heartbreaking, and frustrating.  I have slowly begun to understand [since the births of our sons], how deep and unconditional this love is.  How there are not words, no paintings, nothing on this earth to describe what it is like to love your own child(ren).  Until you experience it. Stark reality.  When you're pregnant no one really tells you how much parenting can really drain everything you hav...

Do you ever ask yourself, 'Is this normal?'  'Am I normal?' , 'Does anyone or has anyone felt this way?' Well, that is where I'm at t onight.  Lately I've really had no patience, short tempered, having a tough time de-stressing, blocking out noise, and finding some inner peace.  What happened to th at wanna -be gentle mom?  I'm pretty sure she is lost at sea.  I feel like I'm drowning, working outside of the home, then trying to stay on top of things in the home, getting my CDA to teach preschool...sometimes, I feel like the walls are closing in. I snap at my children much to easily lately, and f rankly, I hate it, and hate myself for it.  And it cuts me to the bone when they know it, notice it, and say "Mom, you can't be mean, you can't yell."  I think I'm in need of an overhaul, a retreat away to regroup, parenting classes, classes to gain back patience and stop letting the little thi ngs aggravate me. Certainly I ...

Yesterday I was reflecting on my own parenting journey and how that journey ebbs and flows with the different paths we take, we choose, we refuse, we reluctantly take, and paths that surprise us.  I began thinking that after making a final choice to step away from all parenting boards and parenting 'cliques' .  With my own paren ting journey and the struggles it has brought with a child facing special needs and another child who is extremely stubbo rn, I felt it was best for my own sanity.  I need support, all mothers need support.  At the end of the day if we can't get past a style or parenting choice and choose to tear down each other , then we have accomplished nothing.  Yet if we can ex tend a hand , offer a hug or encouraging word when another mother is struggling, then we could very well change the world ! Today has been one of the challenging days with David, then adding Aaron who is a typical 4 year old...well it makes f or a less than thrilling d...

Tonight has been amazing.  A wonderful husband, working hard for his family.  Two beautiful sons, getting along, making excellent choices, no fighting, no squabbling, peacefully playing and now sleeping.  I was able to accomplish a bit of housework and even found some time to be "lazy".  Wonderful!   And wonderfully hard at the same moment.  Tonight is a night of struggle.  Not outwardly, but inward.  I think for a brief moment I was living in the allusion that through this journey of depression and Fibromyalgia, Cymbalta would be the miracle cure.   Apparently not.  While I've had days, even weeks of feeling great, tonight has been a struggle.  Both physically and emotionally.  That dreaded sadness.  The wonder of 'who are my friends?'  Am I really making a difference in anyone's life...all creeping back up.  I CAN say that it has been more manageable.  I only thought perhaps that thos...

The last few years have been nothing less than a roller coaster ride.  And most of it was hidden, a secret.  Disguised behind smiles and outward picture of  "I'm fine, thank you." It's somewhat hard for me to sit and pour this out, yet also freeing and therapeutic at the same time.  What is it?  Something that no one knew for a few years, and then only my husband for the last 4 months or so. I have a mood disorder, depression, anxiety.  It started simple enough.  The birth of two children, life, staying home at first and then going back to work....it all happened.  It was life.  It IS life.  Stress, fun times, stress, hard times, stress fun times.  It's normal, it's life.   Just a day here and there of feeling blue.  Then those days became closer together.  My already embedded, but not bad anxieties about various things, began to become stronger.  I never really liked, for example, other people except mysel...