On Death

 On Death

9/21/20

Friday, it was a Friday. August 20th, 2021.  I will never forget that night for as long as I live on this earth.  Everything, so crystal clear yet so foggy.  Like a raging river that night came rushing at me.  I was powerless to stop it, though I tried so hard.  That uneasy feeling came over me when Eric didn’t answer the door.  Aaron was supposed to stay the weekend with him.  I stopped by once, no answer.  Figuring he was out with a friend for a moment or napping, we went on to an appointment for David.   Stopping by again, an unsettling feeling came over me as Aaron knocked again, but no answer.

I pushed it to the back of my mind as we drove off.  He just forgot.  He was out with a friend.  I was annoyed, how could he forget about Aaron coming over?  I felt bad for Aaron who wanted to visit his dad.  Still, I pushed it out of my mind.  

Exhausted after a long week of teaching, I hurried and made dinner.  Then decided to take a nap.  The boys settled into their Friday night routine of movies, discord calls, & games.  I fell asleep.  I woke up around 10pm to darkness.  The boys were still awake.  I feel my phone vibrate and check my messages.  A friend of Eric's messaged me to ask

“Have you heard from Eric?”

This awful feeling in the pit of my stomach rose.  I knew in my heart he was gone.  But I still hoped, prayed it wasn’t true.  The night became a blur after that, yet so clear too.  Such an oxymoron, right?  Messages went back and forth.  The police were called to do a welfare check.  They told "T" they can’t “break in”.  I was so mad.  Why not?  Other people have had welfare checks and police went in, at least according to news stories.  Why not this time?  

I remember "T" telling me that an officer kept telling him to “find a window” he could get in.  He did.  One that had a window a/c was easily accessible.  He told me he would call back.

I was beside myself.  I couldn’t let my sons see the distress so I remember asking my neighbor if she was home.  I need someone with me.  I was scared to be alone.  I kept thinking “my sons, please don’t take him because of my sons.”

I sat on her sofa, sick, shaking, I don’t even remember much of what I said.  I do remember "T" calling back.  I heard his voice wavering.  I heard someone crying and screaming in the background.

“No, no, no, no…” I kept saying in my head.

I hear the words...

“He’s on the floor, he’s cold.  There’s blood everywhere.”

That line hasn’t left my mind.  I remember sobbing and saying “What am I going to tell my boys?  What am I going to tell my boys?”  Over and over and over.

I can’t even continue typing right now.  It’s only been a month.  When I think of it, I keep going back to that Friday night.  That awful, sick, dark feeling.