A Bewitchingly Ordinary Life!

Tonight has been amazing.  A wonderful husband, working hard for his family.  Two beautiful sons, getting along, making excellent choices, no fighting, no squabbling, peacefully playing and now sleeping.  I was able to accomplish a bit of housework and even found some time to be "lazy".  Wonderful!   And wonderfully hard at the same moment.  Tonight is a night of struggle.  Not outwardly, but inward.  I think for a brief moment I was living in the allusion that through this journey of depression and Fibromyalgia, Cymbalta would be the miracle cure.   Apparently not.  While I've had days, even weeks of feeling great, tonight has been a struggle.  Both physically and emotionally.  That dreaded sadness.  The wonder of 'who are my friends?'  Am I really making a difference in anyone's life...all creeping back up.  I CAN say that it has been more manageable.  I only thought perhaps that thos...

The last few years have been nothing less than a roller coaster ride.  And most of it was hidden, a secret.  Disguised behind smiles and outward picture of  "I'm fine, thank you." It's somewhat hard for me to sit and pour this out, yet also freeing and therapeutic at the same time.  What is it?  Something that no one knew for a few years, and then only my husband for the last 4 months or so. I have a mood disorder, depression, anxiety.  It started simple enough.  The birth of two children, life, staying home at first and then going back to work....it all happened.  It was life.  It IS life.  Stress, fun times, stress, hard times, stress fun times.  It's normal, it's life.   Just a day here and there of feeling blue.  Then those days became closer together.  My already embedded, but not bad anxieties about various things, began to become stronger.  I never really liked, for example, other people except mysel...

When I had my first son I decided to be a stay at home wife and mom.  It was a dream!  I was June Cleaver!  As a 3 month old David slept soundly in my Mai Tai, dinner in the crock pot and I washed a window, I thought "I don't understand how people don't keep up on housework!" Well because you KNOW that I know it all.  Or at least I thought I did ;)  The months rolled on, David became more mobile and things got a little tougher but I was still queen of the house.  And then.... 2 pink lines.  Most ladies who have ever been pregnant, know what that means.  2 lines that change your life forever.  I was pregnant again.  David was 10.5 months when I found out.  I was so excited.  Life had gotten more perfect.  The days rolled on, not a lot of morning sickness.  David turned a year old, I was 7 weeks, we announced it that day.  Yippee, yay, everyone was excited. About a week later, the morning sickness set in, fa...

I will never forgot the day when I found out I was pregnant for the very first time.  It was such a rush of emotion.  Fear, happiness, contemplation, all wrapped up into one.  It wasn't the most opportune time, but let's face it when is it really?  At the heart of it all, I was ecstatic.  I was going to be a mother, and Eric a father. Several weeks later I could tell, things were not going well.  One night we found ourselves in the emergency room.  An ultrasound had been ordered.  Eric was made to leave and I was left alone in a sterile room with just the technician and myself.  She barely spoke 2 words to me.  I saw the baby and the screen was then quickly whisked around so I could see no more.  My heart sunk.  The doctor came in and said we see the baby, but no heart beat.  But don't worry.  It's still early! But I already knew in my heart.  I was nearly 8 weeks and the heart should have already been beati...

I sat staring at the blank blog page for a few moments, wondering where to even begin.  There is much more emotion surrounding this time than I even imagined.  I had wondered what it would be like, what I would feel, what Aaron would feel, do, say. Weaning.  There were days that I thought the moment would never arrive.  Then there were days I wish I could have stopped time because I felt like we were on a journey where we had been hurdled through space and time and light speed.  I wanted to stop it, stop time and breath in the moments, trying to imprint the memories so deeply in my mind that it would always remain crystal clear. Though this time can be quite intimate, I also want to share it publicly for many reasons.  First, because it is a tremendous thank you of gratitude to some very strong women who saw me through from dream, to reality, to sustaining.  Beth, Anna, Jennifer, Dagmar, Solimar, Aisha, Rikki and Nicole!  Women who lifted me u...

More often than not the path as a parent that I want to take becomes so entangled that I lose sight of how I really want to connect with my sons.  I tend to find more peace and be in-tune with them when I'm calm, understanding and willing to step out of my own comfort zone and lose what "society" tells me I should do. One way I have begun this journey is by watching Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting DVD.  I've know WHAT I wanted to do since my boys were born.  But DOING it in day to day life can be  quite another thing. This past week I REALLY resolved to jump on and begun consciously parenting and being the parent I know my boys need.  And with good results and peace in my own soul! Below are the 10 basic principles of Unconditional Parenting.  Though this is just a glimpse, I highly encourage you to read the book or watch the DVD for full understanding!  Also after the 10 principles I'll add some You Tube clips/excerpts from Alfie Kohn's l...

As I stooped to pick up a load of laundry, I gazed around my house at the utter mess.  Yes, I said it.  Utter mess!  A sink full of dirty dishes, several laundry piles, toys scattered in the bathroom, the living room, the boys room, our room and the kitchen.  A bowel of goldfish sat on the toy shelf, pretty sure the bathroom needs a good scrubbing, beds unmade...and laughter.  The sound of two little boys building towers and houses with legos as they laughed and pretended they were blasting off to the moon to visit Martian Mickey Mouse. Messes tend to irritate me.  Just ask my husband.  I suddenly become Mr. Hyde and vow to throw away anything in my path!  But today the first thought that popped into my mind without even thinking was ... "I wouldn't trade this for anything.  I can barely remember life before this life, nor do I really want too." That's right!  Sure life was fun, we had more money before children.  I did a lot m...