6.5 years later....I still wonder about you tiny one!
I will never forgot the day when I found out I was pregnant for the very first time. It was such a rush of emotion. Fear, happiness, contemplation, all wrapped up into one. It wasn't the most opportune time, but let's face it when is it really?
At the heart of it all, I was ecstatic. I was going to be a mother, and Eric a father.
Several weeks later I could tell, things were not going well. One night we found ourselves in the emergency room. An ultrasound had been ordered. Eric was made to leave and I was left alone in a sterile room with just the technician and myself. She barely spoke 2 words to me. I saw the baby and the screen was then quickly whisked around so I could see no more. My heart sunk. The doctor came in and said we see the baby, but no heart beat. But don't worry. It's still early!
But I already knew in my heart. I was nearly 8 weeks and the heart should have already been beating by 5 weeks. A week later, I was in the ER again and it was all over just like that. This time at least the doctor was more personable and the nurses very sympathetic. Many of them sharing that they had been through this too. But everything seemed like empty words. This was my first miscarriage, some more followed. The first for some reason really stuck with me though.
The next days drug by. I don't think either of us knew what to think or feel really. It was very tough for a while to even go grocery shopping. I'd have to hurry past the baby section without looking. And it seemed around every corner was a mother to be or a small newborn. Slowly the days turned to weeks, and the weeks to months. I thought about the baby. She [I always felt it was a girl] would have been born in April of 06. What kind of eyes would she have had, hair, personality, what would we have named her. Then more time went by where I didn't think every single day about the baby. The months turned to years. 2 wonderful sons came along and I am so very thankful for them.
Nearly 6.5 years have come and gone since those days. David and Aaron don't know anything about our losses. They are too young. They've never been mentioned. My mother in law was here in November and she said one day: "Does David know about your miscarriages?"
I told her no, we've never mentioned anything about them or talked about around him. She went on to tell me that all day he had been saying "My sister is in heaven." The funny thing is, he had started saying this just a few days before my mother in law arrived from Ohio to visit. I really didn't know what to say to him other than, "She is?"...."Yes." He said. "She's with Jesus." I felt my eyes tear up and didn't really talk about it further. David was very adamant for a few weeks about this and I took comfort in it.
Well a few months have gone by since then. A couple of days while walking to the building where I work on the elementary school campus a random thought that had nothing to do with my present thoughts popped into my mind:
"She would have been 6 years old in April." I teared up and thought where did that come from. And I found myself thinking about her again and wondering all the same questions. Then I remembered David's insight. A beautiful insight from the innocence of a child. She IS still alive in spirit, just not with us here. Though I wish she was.
You would think about 6.5 years the emotion would still be as strong when you think of it, but it is. Though I wasn't "far along" and I never got to feel her move or hold her in my arms, she was still very real to me. And just maybe, one day, I'll see that little spirit again!
At the heart of it all, I was ecstatic. I was going to be a mother, and Eric a father.
Several weeks later I could tell, things were not going well. One night we found ourselves in the emergency room. An ultrasound had been ordered. Eric was made to leave and I was left alone in a sterile room with just the technician and myself. She barely spoke 2 words to me. I saw the baby and the screen was then quickly whisked around so I could see no more. My heart sunk. The doctor came in and said we see the baby, but no heart beat. But don't worry. It's still early!
But I already knew in my heart. I was nearly 8 weeks and the heart should have already been beating by 5 weeks. A week later, I was in the ER again and it was all over just like that. This time at least the doctor was more personable and the nurses very sympathetic. Many of them sharing that they had been through this too. But everything seemed like empty words. This was my first miscarriage, some more followed. The first for some reason really stuck with me though.
The next days drug by. I don't think either of us knew what to think or feel really. It was very tough for a while to even go grocery shopping. I'd have to hurry past the baby section without looking. And it seemed around every corner was a mother to be or a small newborn. Slowly the days turned to weeks, and the weeks to months. I thought about the baby. She [I always felt it was a girl] would have been born in April of 06. What kind of eyes would she have had, hair, personality, what would we have named her. Then more time went by where I didn't think every single day about the baby. The months turned to years. 2 wonderful sons came along and I am so very thankful for them.
Nearly 6.5 years have come and gone since those days. David and Aaron don't know anything about our losses. They are too young. They've never been mentioned. My mother in law was here in November and she said one day: "Does David know about your miscarriages?"
I told her no, we've never mentioned anything about them or talked about around him. She went on to tell me that all day he had been saying "My sister is in heaven." The funny thing is, he had started saying this just a few days before my mother in law arrived from Ohio to visit. I really didn't know what to say to him other than, "She is?"...."Yes." He said. "She's with Jesus." I felt my eyes tear up and didn't really talk about it further. David was very adamant for a few weeks about this and I took comfort in it.
Well a few months have gone by since then. A couple of days while walking to the building where I work on the elementary school campus a random thought that had nothing to do with my present thoughts popped into my mind:
"She would have been 6 years old in April." I teared up and thought where did that come from. And I found myself thinking about her again and wondering all the same questions. Then I remembered David's insight. A beautiful insight from the innocence of a child. She IS still alive in spirit, just not with us here. Though I wish she was.
You would think about 6.5 years the emotion would still be as strong when you think of it, but it is. Though I wasn't "far along" and I never got to feel her move or hold her in my arms, she was still very real to me. And just maybe, one day, I'll see that little spirit again!
oh terra....i didn't know you'd had mcs. ((hugs)) i've heard others tell similar stories, about their young children mentioning unknown siblings being in heaven. children really are amazing.
ReplyDeleteThank you Helen. It's something I wish no woman would have to go through.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's amazing how children can be so in-tune.
This is beautiful, Terra. I haven't experienced the same loss, but being a mom, I know how intense that love is even when the pregnancy is very new. In some ways, you become a mother as soon as you have that positive test!
ReplyDeleteYour September 19 post really hit home for me. My three-year-old is nursing (along with the baby), and we are at a rocky point. I do not want to wean on a "low note," but I am praying that the difficult phase that we are in passes soon. Your post helped me remember what a treasured relationship my little guy and I have. ~Erica
Thanks so much Erica. I agree, that connection was very strong for me from the moment I knew! Funny enough I actually dreamed about my first son David right around the time he was conceived [we weren't trying so it was a surprise]. It was really a neat moment.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the difficult nursing phase. We had one of those. He still asks on a rare occasion.
i cried as i read this <3 i cant wait to met her in heaven one day
ReplyDeleteThank you. We certainly have a great treasure waiting for both of us don't we. I bet she and Trent are playing together at the feet of Jesus. I know people find each in life for reason, this is it ;)
ReplyDelete