Trapped in this thing called life.

 There are times I have felt so content with life: wanting to stay planted. Wanting to grow roots, staying firmly in place.

And then there are these times. That feeling of being trapped in life. That feeling of nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and not doing or being enough.

I feel like this world has closed in on me the older have become. 10 years ago at age 40, I felt like there was still a shimmer of hope. I felt like I could pull things off and do what needed to be done.

Now at 50 years old, I look back and feel like the span of my life has been but a vapor in the wind. I look back and see where I failed greatly. I look back and think why didn't I do better. Why didn't I do more.

 I fear the Future. I'm sad that I can't give my sons the life that I had so wanted to when I set out on this motherhood journey.

I've grown weary with the path in front of me so crooked and long.  Each day it seems happiness eludes me more and more. The call of contentment. The dreamy Bliss of daily life is nothing more than the ghosts of life's past.

Life has become all too consuming and I send out prayers of light to the Universe that I can in some way provide what my sons need.

I can only hope that they will forgive me for the things that I could not and did not do. Yet, despite being trapped down this haunting path, one joy that remains in life: watching my sons grow into the wonderful men that I know they are meant to be.

And one day...one day I know they will be so much more than I ever was.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

6.5 years later....I still wonder about you tiny one!

Image
I will never forgot the day when I found out I was pregnant for the very first time.  It was such a rush of emotion.  Fear, happiness, contemplation, all wrapped up into one.  It wasn't the most opportune time, but let's face it when is it really?  At the heart of it all, I was ecstatic.  I was going to be a mother, and Eric a father. Several weeks later I could tell, things were not going well.  One night we found ourselves in the emergency room.  An ultrasound had been ordered.  Eric was made to leave and I was left alone in a sterile room with just the technician and myself.  She barely spoke 2 words to me.  I saw the baby and the screen was then quickly whisked around so I could see no more.  My heart sunk.  The doctor came in and said we see the baby, but no heart beat.  But don't worry.  It's still early! But I already knew in my heart.  I was nearly 8 weeks and the heart should have already been beati...
Read more

She was using food stamps! Why doesn't she work? Those are MY tax dollars!

Image
I will never forget that day. I was judging!!! I watched the lady as she absently scanned 2 Lunchables, a carton of Capri-Sun, some individual applesauce pouches, a single serving of some soda product, and a pack of mixed nuts. (do you KNOW how expensive and processed those Lunchables are anyway?? Not to mention juice pouches full of sugar.) Come on, wouldn't it be easier and cheaper to make a couple of sandwiches, and have some reusable cups and portion containers to get virtually the same meal?   Her children were a little disheveled and good god I don't think she ever brushes their hair. They were also not under control but arguing back and forth. To be honest it was rather annoying and I thought why doesn't she intervene? But wonder of wonders, they were on electronics.  And of course, she was paying with food stamps.  No mistaking that debit card anywhere. They have welfare, but still have money for that apparently.   She had some kind of Vera Bradle...
Read more

Our own one room school-house

Image
This summer we have our own one room schoolhouse, but this thought....this action has a much deeper meaning. There's something about history that draws me.  Pictures of ancient days...decades, generations, centuries gone by... black and white, faded...torn...all draw me in.  I wonder about the buildings.  About the people who came and went from those buildings.   As I was looking at old one room schoolhouse photos online I came across one that was both beautiful and eerily haunting all at once.  An abandoned, almost dilapated schoolhouse.  Not much around it, just emptiness where once there had been life. And I began to wonder again.  About the teacher or teachers that the schoolhouse had seen.  About the students who had come and gone.  About their lives, what they did, about the marriages they may have had, their own children.  If any of those descendents were living today.  And how those lives touched other lives...th...
Read more